My Stance on Stilettos

I'm 5'4".

So you may want to take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt. But I don't believe women should wear high heels. And I know what you're thinking--I'm obviously biased. But, truly, it pains me to say that women shouldn't wear high heels as I love how you women look when you're rocking a pair of stilettos. I guess you could classify me as a leg man. Yet all you really need to know is...I'm a man--URGG! Me like leg, me like arm, me like whole woman!

And it's because I love the female form so much that I feel compelled to offer my insights as to the detriments of high heel shoes.

Most of your have feet which are connected to the rest of your bodies. Thus, if you affect the feet, you'll impact the entire kinetic chain. Indeed, for every inch of rise in the heel of a shoe, it throws the body forward by 11 degrees. So a two inch heel inclines the body forward 22 degrees. If you wear a 4 inch heel, you're inclined 44 degrees. And if you wear a 6 inch heel, well...quite frankly--you're a prostitute!

So what happens when the body is do dramatically positioned out of the norm? It compensates, of course. One of the key compensations occurs at the neck. See, back when we were cave men and women, food was scarce...and danger was abundant! Thus, the human body evolved such that the eyes would always maintain horizontal, binocular vision. After all, if you couldn't see, you couldn't find anything to eat. And if you couldn't see, you couldn't find whatever might want to eat you!

In the case of the high heeled hoochie mama, inclining the body forward positions the head looking down. In order to keep her eyes level with the horizon, she must activate the sub occiptals to bring her head up. This shortens the sub occipitals, leading to forward head posture. For every inch the head travels out of ideal alignment, it doubles in mass as the lever arm gets longer and the weight gets farther from the fulcrum. Since the head weighs 8% of the body weight, a 120lb woman with 3 inches of forward head posture has a head which effectively weighs 29lbs!!! That loads the bejesus out of poor, tiny, little neck muscles which were never meant to be loaded like that.

Can you say trigger point? I knew you could. What about altered respiratory mechanics? Faulty occlusion? That's a mouthful (pun intended).

Additional compensations include a hyperextended back--"hello back pain." Or Hyperflexed knees coupled with a flat back--"ah...back pain, so nice to meet you again." Or hyperextended knees leading to knee, hip, and eventually back pain.

Wearing high heels also positions a woman up on her toes. And, unfortunately, pushing through the forefoot over utilizes the quads, putting more stress across the patella. What's worse is this creates an inability to push through the heel. That turns off the hamstrings and glutes; and if you don't use it--say it with me, people--you lose it! Wear high heels long enough, and these critical muscles begin to atrophy. Causing what is clinically called no-assitis.

And, trust me, women--us men--we're looking for bedonk-a-donks! And for once you can't blame us. It's literally programmed into human genetics. Why do you think women develop a wag in their walk? See, as the female approaches puberty, nature has programmed a release of hormones in her body which create laxity in the ligaments that attach at the hip. This creates a side to side sway of the glutes. And that enticing movement not only gets our attention. It causes an uncontrollable urge to procreate in the male so that the species can continue!

So get back on your feet ladies! If you won't do it for me--PLEASE, please, I beg you--do it for the human race! Why are you always standing on your tippy toes anyway? What are you trying to see way over there? What are you looking for? There's nothing you want over there. Anything you could possibly ever need is standing right here in front of you.

You may just have to look down.

Cause he's 5'4"