1— the only pre-screening he does during his take-in is to see if your check clears.
2—the sole piece of paperwork he asks you to fill out before you begin working together is the one which guarantees his fee if you cancel with less than 24hrs notice.
3—he shows up late for his first appointment with you.
4—his apology is something about sleeping through his alarm clock because he was so hung over from partying with his friends until 3 a.m.
5—he misses his next appointment with you.
6—he makes you so sore with your first workout that you can’t sit down on the toilet for three days.
7—luckily, he sold you some shit protein powder that left you so constipated you couldn’t have a bowel movement if a steam roller ran back and forth over your colon.
8—when you tell him you have spinal stenosis and an L4/5 fusion, he tells you that “pain is just weakness leaving the body.”
9—he sells a handful of pills you should take before each of your workouts.
10—he drinks coffee during your a.m. sessions with him and Redbull during your p.m. sessions.
11—you’re his only client.
12—uh…twelve more reasons you may want to look for a new personal trainer.

1—his chest circumference measures more than his I.Q.
2—he has one of the 100 of certifications that isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on—a one hour multiple choice test which a blind monkey with a broken finger who has been trained to fill in ovals with a pencil could easily pass.
3—he had to take the test twice.
4—he quotes People Magazine and Entertainment Tonight rather than The Journal of Strength and Conditioning and documentaries like F.L.O.W.
5—he thinks Gluteus Maximus is the name of the hero in the movie Gladiator.
6—he spends more time touching you inappropriately to get you to focus on “these muscles” because he’s SO hands on!
7—he doesn’t know what “these muscles” are.
8—he doesn’t emulate better trainers…he copies them.
9—he gets your exercise prescription from his Men’s Health subscription.
10—he wears a weight belt.
11—he looks like a reverse Weeble Wobble with a huge upper body and no lower body.
12—um…twelve more reasons you may want to look for a new personal trainer.

1—he talks on his cell phone during your sessions so much his ringtone haunts your dreams.
2—he has you lie down when you could sit and sit when you could stand.
3—he doesn’t know that the P in Psoas is silent.
4— he spends more time admiring his image in the mirror than correcting your form.
5—he SMOKES!?!? Seriously, I know one who does!
6—he has more client turnover than the counter at the local Waffle House.
7—he counts every repetition out loud. Every…Single…Rep!
8—he “trains” a group of people whose most obvious things they have in common are the ace bandages they’re wearing.
9—his pockets are so filled with Advil it sounds like he’s walking on bubble wrap.
10— he doesn’t write anything down because he’s either a strength and conditioning savant or he has absolutely no idea what his “plan” is for you today/this week/this month/ever.
11— he’s got a tattoo which reads “I’ll make you sore and I’ll make you poor!”
12--he can't count beyond 12.

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